Feelin' da Funk...

I have been in such a funk lately.  I just can't shake it.  I've still been running, I just keep forgetting to update my running ahead widget thingy.  I have not been posting much.  Sorry, I'm still around I'm still plugging away.  Some days I just want to throw in the towel, I'm glad that deep down that really is not the truth.  I do like running.  I'm just frustrated at my progress, or lack there of.  I keep trying to sugar coat it or to try to make myself FEEL like I'm improving, but I'm really not.  I suck at running.  I enjoy it, but I don't think I will ever be good at it.  That is a hard pill for me to swallow.  I don't like being bad at things.  As a matter of fact, I hate being bad at things.  I want to quit.  I know I won't, but I want to.  Granted, I never expected to be an olympic runner or anything extreme like that, but I DID expect that I would be running at a 10 minute mile pace by now.  I DID expect that I would be doing weekly 10 mile runs by now.  I DID expect that I would be non plus size by now.  I'm none of those things.  I never  expected running or fitness to be an overnight thing.  I just expected it to have more of an effect after a year.  I know I was not completely dedicated for the entire year and there were months where I ran less and ate more - but there was not a single month in this entire year that I didn't run.  Not a single one.  That is seriously amazing to me.  I know I should honor that achievement and be happy about that, but I just can't.  I am so tired of feeling so fat and so ugly.  What set me off?  I'll tell you.

Sunday we are going to have our yearly family portraits done.  Do I really need to elaborate?  Anyway, the kids have their clothes - they are cute as can be.  Hubby has his nice shirt.  I need a pastel colored top.  I vowed to find a shirt that was not a t shirt.  I have my picture in a t shirt every freaking year.  It's the only thing I can ever find.  Guess what?  I still can't find a non t shirt to fit me.  I feel like I totally failed.  I told Pete to just take the family picture without me.  I don't even want to be in it.  He was not very happy with me for saying that.  The pictures are this Sunday.  I still don't know what I am going to wear.  I am dreading it.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment.  I have decided to really push my doctor for a referral to a different specialist.  I just can't stand this pain problem.  My tongue has been buzzing for the past four or five days now.  It's maddening.  I've got the sharp pains shocking me as usual too.  It's almost like I have a short circuit somewhere in the electric circuits on my face.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to fight for the referral.   I am not looking forward to the discussion.  I know from my last appointment that he is ready to just write me off as an unknown facial pain disorder.  I feel like I need a name for it.  I can't just try this medication here and that mediation there and just hope it works.  I swear, the side effects from these meds are so freaking bad - I would rather be in pain.

The running group starts on Tuesday.  I'm freaking out about that too.  I can't even run a full mile at the 12 minute pace.  I'm scared to death that I won't be able to keep up.  I am sick to my stomach thinking about this.  I keep thinking the owner of the running store is going to point me out and call me a liar or something.  I can do it on the treadmill, I forgot you don't keep the same pace on the road.  I am just sick.  I've sung arias on stage in front of 200 people and wasn't as nervous as I am right now.  I'm not kidding.  I'm terrified.  The closer Tuesday gets, the more freaked out I am going to be.

Ok, I'm sorry.   I hope I have not scared all of you away from me.  I've really be having a very hard time with the emotional side of weight loss lately.  I've been eating well and getting my exercise in, but my spirits have been completely flat.  The funny thing is, I have not lost any weight.  You really do need the trifecta.  I never thought you NEEDED good spirits to lose weight - but I'm starting to think you do.  Sucks for me.  I don't see any good spirits around the corner.  I'm not really sure how to pep myself back up at this point.  Even my best friend told me I was going to fail.  Nice huh?

Have a wonderful day -thanks for reading!  Hope I didn't drag anyone down! -Monica

Weird....

Side effects that is.  I have been getting this for a few days now, but it didn't dawn on me that it was from the medication.  I have been getting it SO MUCH that I finally put two and two together.  Turns out it is one of the most common side effects.  Pins and needles.  In my feet.  Creepy.  I get it a lot too.  I have it right now actually.  It's not painful, but it's uncomfortable.  Jeez, pain in my face, or pins in my feet.  Well, as of now it's pain in my face AND pins in my feet. LOL I can't seem to win!  Oh well, whatever.  Some thing's got to give, right?

I took a few days off of running so I could give my plantar fasciia a break - I am SO glad I did that.  My foot feels WORLDS better!  I think I figured out my problem.  I can't wear just any sneakers for walking around, so I dug out my old worn out running shoes and started wearing those for my every day shoes.  I am just going to have to eke two years out of my running shoes.  One year for running, and one year for daily use.  I got this last pair around my birthday last year, I'm getting due for a new pair.  I have no clue how I'm going to swing that.  I wonder if I can get my name out there to start babysitting or something.  I used to do that quite a lot.  I'd miss my kids so much, but we really need the money.  It's so hard trying to get by on one income.  I wish I could find some craft that I could make quickly and inexpensively that I could sell and make decent money.  Most of the crafts I make take way too much time to make.

Today is supposed to be a pretty warm day, I am really looking forward to it!  I got my run in early so I could spend the time outside with the kids and not have to worry about when I was going to squeeze in my run!  I'm so glad I did that!  Pete and I decided to alternate our running days so we could both do our runs in the morning.  I have NO idea why we had not thought of that before! *facepalm*   I did intervals on the treadmill today - I'm on week 2 day 2 of the couch to 5k.  Now I'm doing the running at 5 mph which is about a 12 minute mile.  I'm also doing it at a 1 incline so I think that translates to a little faster.  I'm so proud of myself!  It's comfortably hard.  When I first started running last year I couldn't even run five seconds on 4.0 - I remember trying it once and thinking it was an insane pace!  It cracks me up to think I have not improved much but then to look back and actually have a solid memory like that!  What a difference a year makes!  Maybe next year I will be running a 9 minute mile and thinking I'm slow and looking  back to this post and laughing!  I think I'm going to have to go back and read some of my early posts today.  That should be a hoot!  Anyway - I think we are going to get together with some of Colin's friends and have some fun in the sunshine!  59 degrees sounds like a good outside day to me!  I don't think his friends like baseball, but I'm sure Colin would enjoy hitting a few balls and playing catch!

Well, I'm off - I have a lot of housework to do.  I was a bit neglectful yesterday!  Oh - want a little treat?  Yesterday I surprised Peter for Valentine's Day by showing up for him at his work and getting down on my knees and singing to him at the top of my lungs.  I'm actually a MUCH better singer than this - but he made me laugh so freaking hard, I couldn't sing well!  He was so embarrassed!  Awesome Valentine's gift! LOL 

Thanks for reading!  Have a WONDERFUL day! -Monica

It's official!

I have officially agreed to start the slower paced running group for the running store!  I'm so excited and nervous at the same time!  The running clinic starts the first week of March and the running group is expected to start two to three weeks after that.  I can't wait!!

I've been having some trouble with my right foot lately.  It's not terrible pain, but I can tell my plantar fasciia is annoyed.  I've been sleeping with my boot on and I'm going to start taking advil regularly to try to nip the inflammation in the bud.  I hope it's going to be ok.  I don't want it to get in the way of my running.  I feel like I'm finally back on the right track and I don't want to stop now!  It's so exciting to see the scale moving in the right direction!

So tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.  I still have NO idea what I am giving up!  I have given up so much already this past year!  Chocolate is out - it's just not possible.  :-P  Soda, I'm not sure I could do it.  Maybe I should try it.  The thought actually makes me nervous!  Maybe I should try it just for that fact alone!   I have a few more hours - Maybe I should drink the last two cans I have in the fridge and call it good for 40 days! HA!  I only drink caffeine, diet coke but I know it's still not good for you. It's my biggest weakness.  I LOVE that crap!  I have one case of it left in the garage, maybe I'll return it to the store so I won't be tempted!  Wow - I can't believe I'm even entertaining the idea!!  

Today was a rest day, but I took a nice, long walk with Susie again.  This time Nelly joined us about half way through.  It was so nice to see her again!  We have not seen her in quite a while!  I'd say from my house to downtown and then around downtown I probably did about 5 miles!  I forgot to wear my garmin *facepalm   so I don't know the distance for sure.  I walked a good 2 hours though.  It still tickles me pink that I can walk that far and for that long without any major exertion!  SO awesome!

Today has been a pretty bad face pain day.  I'm really hoping this medication starts helping soon.  I don't want to give up on it yet.  Cross your fingers that it starts doing something soon.  I was at the store today at the service desk and I got the mother of all pains and I smacked myself right in the face.  Wow - you should have seen the look on the clerk's face.  I'm pretty sure she wanted to call the boys with the straight jackets.  HAHA  

Thanks for reading!  Have a WONDERFUL night! -Monica

Going backwards to go forward?

I think that is what I'm doing.  I really do!  It is so weird to see such low mileage on my running ahead widget (or whatever you call that thingy)  I've run fewer miles all year than I did in one month in the last half of last year.  What is the difference?  Quality.  I think my running so far THIS year has been of a higher caliber.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still slow, but I'm trying to focus on posture and breathing and stride.  I'm trying to keep my pace steady.  Last year I ran all those long distances at about a 13 - 15 minute mile.  I've been training so far this year on the treadmill at a 5.0 with a 1% incline which I'm guessing is about a 12 minute mile.  Do you know how freaking stoked I would be to finish a 5k at 36 minutes?!  If I could continue training at this pace (and I'm fairly confident that I can) then I could probably do a 5k a bit faster than that if you factor in race day excitement!  That whole idea gives me goosebumps! HAHA  Anyway - even though I'm doing fewer miles and that sometimes bums me out, I have to keep my chin up and look to the future - because in a way, I'm going backwards to go forward!

In OTHER good AMAZING AWESOME news!  I GOT THE MONEY!!!!!  I sold something on craig's list!  I got enough money to take that running clinic!  I'm SO CRAZY STOKED!  I'm going to call the running store after my shower (I just finished my run) and I'm going to officially sign up for the class AND agree to being in charge of the slower paced running group!  I'm nervous and SO excited at the same time!  I still can't believe I get to have this opportunity!  What an amazing experience this will be!

Oh and by the way GUNG HE FAT CHOI!!!  Happy Chinese NEW YEAR!!  It's the year of the Snake for those of you who don't know!  My hubs is Chinese - we don't do anything all that special.  I wish he remembered some of the customs.  The only ones he remembers - we would never do. HAHAHA  His Mom used to make them not wash their hair for two weeks because it would wash the good luck away - NO WAY - not happening! HAHAHA  He told me he used to sneak a shower at school. Bad boy!  We are going to give the kids some hongbao tonight - they are little red envelopes with money in them.  They only get a dollar each, but the red envelope is a symbol of good luck.  I think it's all very cool!  Maybe I will make some Chinese food tonight.  It's kind of hard to make it weight watcher's friendly though.  You wouldn't think it was bad because of all the vegetables - but the sauces are pretty high in points and that is where all the flavor comes from!

Well, I'm off to my shower - I'm starting to smell like a musk ox. HAHAHA  That was a great run!  Those intervals really get me every time!  It might be a short run but it sure does kick my butt!  LOVE that!

Have a WONDERFUL day!  Thanks for reading! -Monica

Very welcomed rest day!

Today was a rest day and it was SO needed!  I was SO sore from yesterday's run - I could hardly walk this morning!  As sore as I was - I actually LOVED it!  It hurt so much when I got out of bed!  When I got up I was kind of grunting and my son asked me what was wrong and I told him I was sore - he was so worried about me.  He came running up to me and said "OH NO Mommy, are you SICK?!"  I said no, I'm not sick - I am just sore from running! You know what he told me?  He told me I must not be running enough if I'm sore!  AAHHH I've created a monster!  I love that child!  He makes me laugh so much!  Today he asked for a snack so I gave him a little bowl of frozen blueberries (it's a favorite snack around here) he got all excited and said "OH MOMMY, I LOVE blueberries, they make me poop!".  HA!  What a boy thing to say!

Today was also my weigh in day.  I was down 3.2 lbs!  Can I get a WOOT WOOT??  I worked SO HARD this week and it really showed!  I am so excited!  I feel like I'm finally back in the game!  I can't wait to see what I look like by my birthday!  :-P  I had to pick up a new 3 month food diary from weight watchers.  I've tried tracking online, I've even tried tracking on a regular piece of paper - but I just don't do as well as I do with that 3 month tracker.  So I got a new one to replace the one I used up.  When I bought it I thought it looked bigger than the old one, but I wasn't quite sure.  I was so busy trying to keep Susie happy, I didn't really focus on it all that much.  When I got home I realized it was huge!  I swear, weight watchers does things like that every few months just so they can make you have to buy new things.  I already had a protective cover for the smaller one but now it didn't fit the new one.  I was NOT about to buy another one - jeez, I'd probably have to buy a new one for the next book that comes out!  So I went through my fabric stash and I made my own!  I had never made a book cover before so I was just kind of winging it.  I realized I had forgotten to finish one of the edges so you can totally see a raw edge when you open the book, but whatever - it came out pretty good!  I love that I got to use some of the fabric I used when I made my daughter's nursery set when she was a baby!  She doesn't use the set anymore since she is out of her crib - so in a way it's like a reminder of her babyhood!  What do you think?  Not too shabby huh??  Oh - and if you noticed that the seams are not all that straight?  That would be because my son is in charge of pressing the foot pedal.  Apparently I am not allowed to do that part anymore - it's HIS job.  He is not all that predictable.  One second he is going fast, then he goes slow, then he stops, then he starts.  Jeez - he is all over the place!  It's a wonder I can stay on the fabric let alone stay in any semblance of a line! HAHAHA  Love that kid!

Well, I'm off to bed.  I'm actually pretty tired.  Cross your fingers - I may actually have the money lined up for that class!  AAAHH  I"M SO NERVOUS AND EXCITED!

Thank you for reading!  Have a WONDERFUL night! -Monica

I really shouldn't be blogging right now....

Because I'm still on a runner's high.  I just KNOW I'm going to babble!  I'm warning you in advance!  I had the most AWESOME run today!  I am EVER so glad I slowed my pace down to 5.0 from 6.  When I was trying to do 6 I never wanted to do my runs - I dreaded them.  Now I enjoy them again!  They are still hard - don't get me wrong.  I am sweating like a maniac and my heart rate is nice and high.  I think the difference is that my heart has a chance to recover at this pace (I'm still running intervals at this pace - not straight running yet).  When I was running the 6.0 I would get to my walking segments and when it was time to start running again I still had not really caught my breath and my heart rate had not recovered much.  I can't tell you how happy I am with the decision to slow down!  I never thought I'd say that!  I think my ankle thanks me for it too.  I had been getting a bit tight in my right Achilles - I've been stretching it well and at night I'm wearing the plantar fasciitis boot.  Hopefully I can nip it in the bud.  So far so good - it does not seem to be progressing.  I do not want to end up where I was five years ago - MAN was that painful!  I had full blown plantar fasciitis AND Achilles tendinitis!  It was evil!  I had to wear a walking cast!  I actually have two of those plantar fasciitis boots - sometimes I will just wear them on both feet just to get a good stretch - especially after a long run.  It feels so good.  I usually end up kicking them off during the night anyway.  I've noticed my toes go kind of numb if they stay on all night anyway.  Wow - I really AM rambling!

Today was pretty uneventful.  It was full of cleaning.  Yet my house is still messy.  Go figure.  It's true what they say.  Cleaning your house while your children are growing is like shoveling your driveway while it's still snowing.  HA!  Isn't THAT the truth!  I actually got a LOT done today, but you can't tell.  It's frustrating, but at least I know deep down in my heart that I did it! HAHAHA

Oh, something significant did happen today.  If anyone out there plays the trumpet, or the bugle, or the fleugal horn I would appreciate if you would play Taps and if everyone would follow it by a moment of silence..... for my favorite running bra.  It died.  The underwire snapped in half.  I am so bummed.  It was a faithful friend - it held the girls in place for many a mile and that is no small task.  I have two other bras but they are kind of tight.  The one that broke was by FAR my favorite.  Bummer.  Oh well - time marches on and the world turns.  :-P

Well, I am off.  I am in need of a hot shower (still sweaty from my AWESOME run!)  I could also use something to eat - I am starving.  I know, I know - it's late.  I still have points left though and by golly, I plan to use them. HAHAHA!

Thanks for reading!  Have a WONDERFUL night!! -Monica

A decent proposal....

I am SO crazy excited about this.  I still can't believe this even happened!  So you all know that I have been looking for a running group and I have not been having any luck.  Well, I contacted the local running store and it turns out, they had been wanting to start a slower paced running group too!  The owner knew I couldn't afford the running clinic that they offer (even though I REALLY REALLY wanted to do it) and she proposed this.  If I was willing to commit the next one to two years to a running group, this offer would be extended.  That means I would run one day a week rain or shine the same day and time every week even if nobody else showed up.  I would be the constant in the group. If I promised to do that, then I could join the class for half price!  HOLY FREAKING COW!  I am SO EXCITED!  I still don't have that much money - but I'm going to try to sell stuff on craig's list.  PLEASE, if you pray - send up a few prayers that I can figure out a way to pay for this!  If you don't pray - please send some good vibes my way!  I want this SO BAD!  Can you imagine how amazing this would be for me?  The clinic teaches you how to run!  It teaches you how to prevent injury, how to improve, how to train - everything you need to know!  I could make SO many running contacts!  Not to mention starting a running group!  How freaking awesome would that be?  Plus - the fact that I HAVE to be there EVERY week - that is SERIOUSLY motivating!  Just the fact that she extended this to me makes me feel like a runner!  I mean, she knew who I was - she obviously knew I've been doing this for an entire  year.  It felt SO GOOD to be recognized as a runner even though I don't have the body of a runner!  I can't even tell you how amazing that felt!  I feel like I'm on a runner's high!

Other than that excitement - today was a really nice day!  It started out a little crazy.  Pete missed the bus, again.  He wanted me to drive him in to work - but I wasn't ready to leave yet. The kids were still in their pajamas and nobody had even eaten yet!  I told him to take the car and I would walk downtown and pick it up.  I walked my son to school (he complained the entire way - jeez, you'd think it was a ten mile walk instead of a half mile!) and then I walked with Susie in the jogger downtown to the car.  It's about 3.5 miles - a nice walk actually.  We had good weather - it was about 50 degrees and not too windy.  Too bad the sun wasn't shining!  I wore my garmin just for kicks and I was kind of surprised to see that I was walking at the pace that I had once considered a run!  That was pretty cool!  As I was walking I had a memory come back to me and it really made me giggle!  It also made me really proud of myself!  As we were passing the library (about a mile and a half to two miles from my house) I remembered walking there once when my son was a baby.  I remembered it took me almost two hours and it was the hardest freaking walk in my entire life.  I was SO EXHAUSTED when I got there that I didn't even want to look at books.  I had sworn to NEVER walk that far again EVER.  That just cracks me up.  I walked almost double that today and it was a comfortable, easy walk and it only took me an hour!  That was including a pit stop at the bookstore!  I never can resist stopping at the bookstore!

Well, I'm off.  I am actually quite tired today.  On top of my long walk today, I washed floors.  Then the kids and I had a dance party in the living room.  I'm pretty spent.  HAHAHA

Thanks for reading!  Have a WONDERFUL night! -Monica

Changing things up...

I have been really floundering with my running.  I have come to the realization that 6.0 is just too freaking fast for me.  I'm just not there yet.  I'm bummed about it, but I have to be real.  So today I slowed down a bit and WOW what a difference!  It was hard enough to be challenging but not so hard as to make me hate it.  Honestly - I have been dreading my runs for the past month.  I mean DREADING them.  I'm kind of excited now!  I guess I won't be meeting my goal of running a 10 minute mile by my birthday but oh well!  I really can't complain.  I remember last year around June I had tried running one minute at 4.5 and I couldn't do it.  I couldn't even make it for 45 seconds!  See that!  I might not have lost any weight since June, but I've definitely made a LOT of positive changes!  I've beaten diabetes and high cholesterol, I've reversed my high blood pressure, improved my resting heart rate, and I've gone from not being able to run at 4.5 to being able to push myself to run at 6.0 and COMFORTABLY run at a hard pace at 5.0!  YAY ME!  Ok - I sound like a dork!  I am really happy though!  Sometimes it's hard to celebrate the things that are not directly scale related.  Shoot, it usually is hard to celebrate those things!

I've increased my dose on my medication this weekend.  So far so good.  Cross your fingers!  I still have not noticed any decrease in appetite though - figures, right? HAHAHA   So far the side effects have been mild and seem to be centered around the few hours after I take them, so that is really good!  The only thing I've noticed aside from being drowsy for a few hours after taking the medication is that sometimes my mind feels a little sluggish.  Not really bad, but sometimes it's annoying.  If it stops the pain, it's worth it!

I'm still trying to figure out a way to start a running group.  I've contacted the running groups on seemommyrun.com but I have not heard back yet.  I suspect they are not active groups.  I am thinking I may just try to get the hubby and the kids out on Saturday mornings and make them run with me!  We can get Colin to run with us some of the way, maybe he can bike some of it.  Susie can be in the jogger.  I'm sure our dog would be happy to join in.  I don't know how it will work out - my son is not very good on his bike, he does have to learn some time though! Wish me luck!  Maybe I'll run into a group at the park when we try to run as a family!  Who knows!  Stranger things have happened!!

Thanks for reading!  Have a wonderful night! -Monica

Tried something new....

I have been thinking for some time that I wanted to run in a group.  The problem is, I'm slow.  Well, I saw on the local road runners club website that they have a Saturday morning long run and anyone can join, no matter the pace.  AWESOME!  So today I got up early - WAY earlier than I'm used to getting up on a Saturday morning - and I went.  It was FREEZING!  I had to actually scrape ice off my window - that almost never happens around here!  

I got there and there were only three other people.  They were all very nice people and I was really looking forward to running with them.  Then I asked them what their pace was.  The guy said they were really pretty slow and leisurely.  I'm thinking WHOO HOO - I found a group to run with!  Then he dropped the n bomb.  As in, the Nine minute mile pace bomb.  NINE MINUTE MILE IS SLOW AND LEISURELY?  Oh my GOD!  Then they told me the faster group had just left.  SERIOUSLY?  FASTER group?  Oh Lord.  I was scared after that.  I tried - I tried really hard.  I only kept up for about 5 or 6 blocks, then I started lagging.  Bad.  The one guy was really REALLY nice and he held back with me and ran with me.  It was nice because I got to run in places I have never been - places I didn't even know existed!  In hindsight I can't believe I ran with a complete stranger in isolated places like that - was I freaking insane?  If you have not noticed about me by now - I'm afraid of people.  I don't trust strangers.  I grew up in NY, I think that distrust is an inborn trait for many New Yorkers!  It was so nice to meet a new person though. We talked about all kinds of things, mostly about running.  He was blown away that I had come from where I was last  year and that I couldn't even run 10 steps a year ago!  He was also really impressed that I came to run with a group.  I'm kind of bummed that the group is not going to work out.  I'm going to keep searching for a group that has my pace and if I can't find one, then I'm going to MAKE one.  Us slow pokes should not be doomed to run the earth alone!!

I ended up having to walk a lot of the run today.  I think the combination of the bitter cold, starting at waaaaay too fast of a pace, not ever running hills, and not doing long runs for over a month has really taken it's toll!  We ran 4.3 miles but I'm thinking I walked half if not more of it.  Oh well.  It's 4.3 more miles than a lot of people did today!  

I'm going to call it a night.  I have a sleepy baby on one arm so I'm doing this with one hand and it kind of sucks!  Plus, tonight I bump my medication up to two pills - I'm kind of excited.  PLEASE pray that it starts working!  I have been having a LOT of face pains lately.  I do mean a LOT.  

Thank you so much for reading!  I hope you all have a wonderful night! -Monica

p.s.  if any of you have any ideas as to how I can start a slow paced running group and keep it SAFE - as in, no creepers - I would LOVE to hear them!  THANK YOU!!!