I have been in such a funk lately. I just can't shake it. I've still been running, I just keep forgetting to update my running ahead widget thingy. I have not been posting much. Sorry, I'm still around I'm still plugging away. Some days I just want to throw in the towel, I'm glad that deep down that really is not the truth. I do like running. I'm just frustrated at my progress, or lack there of. I keep trying to sugar coat it or to try to make myself FEEL like I'm improving, but I'm really not. I suck at running. I enjoy it, but I don't think I will ever be good at it. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. I don't like being bad at things. As a matter of fact, I hate being bad at things. I want to quit. I know I won't, but I want to. Granted, I never expected to be an olympic runner or anything extreme like that, but I DID expect that I would be running at a 10 minute mile pace by now. I DID expect that I would be doing weekly 10 mile runs by now. I DID expect that I would be non plus size by now. I'm none of those things. I never expected running or fitness to be an overnight thing. I just expected it to have more of an effect after a year. I know I was not completely dedicated for the entire year and there were months where I ran less and ate more - but there was not a single month in this entire year that I didn't run. Not a single one. That is seriously amazing to me. I know I should honor that achievement and be happy about that, but I just can't. I am so tired of feeling so fat and so ugly. What set me off? I'll tell you.
Sunday we are going to have our yearly family portraits done. Do I really need to elaborate? Anyway, the kids have their clothes - they are cute as can be. Hubby has his nice shirt. I need a pastel colored top. I vowed to find a shirt that was not a t shirt. I have my picture in a t shirt every freaking year. It's the only thing I can ever find. Guess what? I still can't find a non t shirt to fit me. I feel like I totally failed. I told Pete to just take the family picture without me. I don't even want to be in it. He was not very happy with me for saying that. The pictures are this Sunday. I still don't know what I am going to wear. I am dreading it.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I have decided to really push my doctor for a referral to a different specialist. I just can't stand this pain problem. My tongue has been buzzing for the past four or five days now. It's maddening. I've got the sharp pains shocking me as usual too. It's almost like I have a short circuit somewhere in the electric circuits on my face. I have a feeling I'm going to have to fight for the referral. I am not looking forward to the discussion. I know from my last appointment that he is ready to just write me off as an unknown facial pain disorder. I feel like I need a name for it. I can't just try this medication here and that mediation there and just hope it works. I swear, the side effects from these meds are so freaking bad - I would rather be in pain.
The running group starts on Tuesday. I'm freaking out about that too. I can't even run a full mile at the 12 minute pace. I'm scared to death that I won't be able to keep up. I am sick to my stomach thinking about this. I keep thinking the owner of the running store is going to point me out and call me a liar or something. I can do it on the treadmill, I forgot you don't keep the same pace on the road. I am just sick. I've sung arias on stage in front of 200 people and wasn't as nervous as I am right now. I'm not kidding. I'm terrified. The closer Tuesday gets, the more freaked out I am going to be.
Ok, I'm sorry. I hope I have not scared all of you away from me. I've really be having a very hard time with the emotional side of weight loss lately. I've been eating well and getting my exercise in, but my spirits have been completely flat. The funny thing is, I have not lost any weight. You really do need the trifecta. I never thought you NEEDED good spirits to lose weight - but I'm starting to think you do. Sucks for me. I don't see any good spirits around the corner. I'm not really sure how to pep myself back up at this point. Even my best friend told me I was going to fail. Nice huh?
Have a wonderful day -thanks for reading! Hope I didn't drag anyone down! -Monica