My grandmother is very very close to death. The hospice nurses say she is most likely to die in the next 3 days. I'm having a very hard time dealing with her death and my distance. I have never felt so far away from my family in all my life. I've never regretted moving across the country - but today I almost do.
I hate that I want to turn to junk food when I'm upset. I HATE that about me. I have not given in but I think it might be wise of me to have something a LITTLE splurgy before I totally cave and end up binging. I really HATE that I find comfort in food. I actually hate that I'm even writing this. It's embarrassing to me. At least now I can recognize it - before I wouldn't see it coming, it would just hit me and then I would feel guilty afterwards. Maybe a small amount of fat free ice cream can make the craving back off. Jeez, I sound like a junkie. I'm sorry - I'm just an emotional mess right now. I am going to miss my grandmother SO MUCH. I already do. I can't imagine not hearing her voice ever again. I don't even think I have a video of her. Whenever I would call her she would always ask "how are my dear sweet babies". I'm really going to miss that. I'm going to miss how she would always be on the front step to greet you when you visited. It didn't matter if you were only coming from a few minutes away, she would be outside waiting! Every Christmas she would make dozens and dozens of cookies! Oh, and she used to keep a jar of marshmallow fluff in the cupboard, just in case the need for it should arise. HAHA She also used to collect stained glass ornaments that she would hang on her window. Last summer I bought one for my window. I only have the one - but whenever I look at it, it makes me think of her.
I'm sorry to be such a bummer. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. Don't worry about me - I'm not falling off the wagon. Today was a cross training day on my 10k training schedule, so I did a lot of walking. Tomorrow is a run. Wish I could do it outside. The treadmill is NOT cathartic.
Thanks for reading. I promise, I'll be back to my usual self soon. Sorry to be such a Debbie downer.
-Monica
I'm sorry about your grandma....death is hard to deal with, and it's okay to be sad.
ReplyDeleteThank you Karen. I appreciate your kind words.
DeleteMonica, HUGS! I understand, I lost my grandmother when my baby #5 was just months old. She too was helped with hospice (a wonderful service!) Remember all the wonderful things about her. Maybe take the time to write things down. Your little ones will love to hear more about her as they get older.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel embarrassed about sharing your food cravings. Most of us who are losing weight have to deal with the same thing. That's why we got to where we are. I'm still struggling after allowing myself to binge after a major life stress. I hope you don't fall into that. My suggestion is to have a treat if you need it but don't bring it into your home. Go buy it from somewhere, eat it there.
Take Care,
Krista
Thank you Krista. I'm sorry you lost your grandmother - it is SO hard. I was very close with her - we used to talk almost every day. She passed away last night. Don't worry - I'm not quitting. My grandmother would have been SO proud of me. I won't quit because she would have been VERY upset if I had quit because of her. Last night I went and got one of those single serve skinny cow icecreams. I feel better now. TOnight is a run night, I think that will really help me.
DeleteHey. It's okay. You're human, and this is a very emotional time. If you need to have a small bowl of ice cream, do it. Don't binge, but don't deny yourself a small comfort either.
ReplyDeleteThose Skinny Cow things are great. :) I love the mint cookie sandwiches.
I'm sorry about your grandmother. My favorite grandmother passed away when I was nine, and I still miss her. I still cry sometimes. She was an amazing person (our grandmothers sound similar, right down to the cookies).
Thanks Sarah. I miss her so much - I am SO glad I got to see her last year and she got a chance to meet my daughter. I have a picture of her holding my kids. I'll have to post it tonight. Life is not going to be the same without her. I just still can't believe she is gone.
DeleteOh and the skinny cow - try those little mini cups - I had a caramel one and it was AMAZING.