My grandmother is very very close to death. The hospice nurses say she is most likely to die in the next 3 days. I'm having a very hard time dealing with her death and my distance. I have never felt so far away from my family in all my life. I've never regretted moving across the country - but today I almost do.
I hate that I want to turn to junk food when I'm upset. I HATE that about me. I have not given in but I think it might be wise of me to have something a LITTLE splurgy before I totally cave and end up binging. I really HATE that I find comfort in food. I actually hate that I'm even writing this. It's embarrassing to me. At least now I can recognize it - before I wouldn't see it coming, it would just hit me and then I would feel guilty afterwards. Maybe a small amount of fat free ice cream can make the craving back off. Jeez, I sound like a junkie. I'm sorry - I'm just an emotional mess right now. I am going to miss my grandmother SO MUCH. I already do. I can't imagine not hearing her voice ever again. I don't even think I have a video of her. Whenever I would call her she would always ask "how are my dear sweet babies". I'm really going to miss that. I'm going to miss how she would always be on the front step to greet you when you visited. It didn't matter if you were only coming from a few minutes away, she would be outside waiting! Every Christmas she would make dozens and dozens of cookies! Oh, and she used to keep a jar of marshmallow fluff in the cupboard, just in case the need for it should arise. HAHA She also used to collect stained glass ornaments that she would hang on her window. Last summer I bought one for my window. I only have the one - but whenever I look at it, it makes me think of her.
I'm sorry to be such a bummer. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. Don't worry about me - I'm not falling off the wagon. Today was a cross training day on my 10k training schedule, so I did a lot of walking. Tomorrow is a run. Wish I could do it outside. The treadmill is NOT cathartic.
Thanks for reading. I promise, I'll be back to my usual self soon. Sorry to be such a Debbie downer.