Monday, May 7, 2012

Not Feelin' the Love....

I've been pretty down today.  I just can't shake it.  I feel really lonely.  I feel really fat, and ugly.  Days like this, I wish I could crawl back into bed and sleep for a few days.  I didn't though.  I had a really busy day.  My cat decided to have diarrhea on my down comforter - which soaked all the way through to my mattress protector.  Thank GOD we invested in that thing, otherwise my mattress would have been history.  I got all the stains out of everything - I'm just waiting for my down comforter to dry - it may take days.  I guess I'm just feeling under loved and under appreciated lately.  No guess, that hits the nail right on the head.  I will spare you the gory details.  Just understand I'm feeling friendless, familyless, and unwanted.  :-(

I still ate very well today.  I even planned a "splurge" and took my son for a McDonald's low fat ice cream cone.  It was so hot today and it was the perfect treat!  Not that he said thank you.  Figures.  I even took him to a used bookstore and we got two new "Biscuit" books - he LOVES them.  Again, no thank you.  You'd think I would be used to it, but for some reason it is really bothering me today.  Anyway, I DID get to the gym - pretty late in the day - but I got it done.  WOW was it hard.  I think the treadmill I picked may very well be the fastest of all of them.  It was about a minute and a half faster than the others!  I feel like I got run over by a truck!  Once again - the end was nothing but sheer will.  I kept thinking how badly I want to get out of the 250's.  OH MY GOD do I want to get out of the 250's.  I want that more than I can express with words.

It's kind of funny - I used to hate getting dressed.  I slowly started liking it.  Now I'm hating it again.  The only difference is that now I hate it because everything is too big on me.  I look like a clown!  Most of my shirts are so baggy - they make me look so much bigger than I am!  I only have one pair of shorts now!  I LIVE in jean shorts during the summer.  The ones I wore last summer after I had "lost weight" are INSANELY big on me.  If I put them on - they fall down.  If I walk - they fall completely off.  You'd think that would excite me more- but for some reason it's depressing to not have anything to wear.  Ok, I'm sorry - I guess I'm just in a crappy mood.  I don't want to rub off on anyone.  I apologize.  I'll try to suck it up and put on my big girl panties.

I managed to break my own personal all time record on my fitness meter!  I got 65 points!  I still can't believe it.  I seriously hope I get off of this stupid 255 lb mini plateau.  I'm getting frustrated.  I have to slap myself back into reality and remember it's not about the number on the scale, but the level of health I can achieve and maintain.  Why does that stupid scale rule all?

Anyway - I'd better get myself showered and in bed.  I can tell I'm coming down with my son's cold.  I'm just SO glad he feels the need to share every cold he gets.  I HATE being sick.  It was SO hard to run today with such a sore throat and sinus pain.  BLAH.  Hopefully a hot shower will clear some of the congestion up!!

Thank you for reading!  Again, sorry if I sound really negative today.  I really hate feeling so alone.  -Monica

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your struggles. You are doing fabulously in the health department. :-)

    Being a wife and a mother can be such a thankless job, it gets hard at times. No worries about venting and being negative on here, isn't that why we all blog? So we have a safe place to vent (amont other things)? :-)

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    1. Thank you Cathy! It really is thankless sometimes - isn't it? Have you ever seen the movie "A Christmas Story"? There is a line where Ralphie says "My Mother has not had a hot meal for herself in ten years". LOLOL Ain't THAT the truth! It's always JUST as I sit down "Mommy I need milk" "Mommy I need another napkin" "Mommy you forgot my spoon" AAAHHHHHH

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    2. I love that movie, however, my motto is "get it yourself." :-)

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    3. LOLOL When he gets a little older - I think that will be my motto too! :-D

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  2. HUGS! Sorry for the loneliness. I've been feeling the same. Always there for others but never truly feel others are here for me. You're doing much better than me though, you're sticking with your program!

    You are doing such a great job! Keep on Keeping on and the 240's will be here before you know it!

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    1. Thank you - I'm sorry you've been feeling this way too. It's a lousy way to feel. I figure it this way - if I quit on my program I would just be MORE upset than I am now. Plus - working out DOES help me feel a little better! Thank you for your comment on the 240's! I don't know what it is about the 250's but they feel so daunting to me.

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