Wednesday, April 25, 2012

They're baaaaaack......

My face pains.  This stupid disorder is so frustrating.  I always feel depressed the first few days the pains return.  I guess I keep hoping they won't come back - then they do and it's a major let down.  I did NOT want to go to the gym tonight.  I didn't even want to cook dinner.  I was just feeling bummed out.  Well, I cooked dinner - it was really good - turkey Italian sausage, cannellini beans, tons of garlic, kale - served over pasta.  Even the kids ate it.  Well, Colin wouldn't touch the beans -but that is not surprising!  After dinner I sat on the couch with Pete while the kids played on the floor.  It was nice to snuggle with Pete - we don't really do that very much.  After I got the kids in bed, I dragged my sorry butt to the gym and I did my run.  It was pretty hard - 5 minutes warm up walk and then 22 minutes straight running.  It actually wasn't THAT bad - but the last 7 minutes were BRUTAL.  It took all of my mental capabilities to keep myself going.  I just kept doing the one more minute thing.  I guess that's my best trick.

Well, I just got home a little while ago.  I'm really tired.  I still can't shake the blues - usually running will clear that up for me.  I know part of my bummed out feelings are coming from the fact that I'm still not happy with what I see in the mirror.  I know it took a long time to put the weight on (by the way I friggin HATE when people say that to me - I want to bitch slap them) but jeez - almost 40 lbs - you'd think I would see a bigger difference than I do.  I just feel so fat and ugly.  I wonder if I will always feel like that.  Have I been fat for so long that I won't be able to appreciate it when I'm NOT fat anymore?

Maybe I'm just going to take a shower and turn in.  Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.  :-/  Sorry to be such a bummer.  I hope I didn't drag anyone down.

Have a good night - thanks for reading! -Monica


  1. Almost 40lbs is a HUGE difference!!! It's harder to see the changes in yourself, because you see you every day. You said it yourself yesterday, your mom didn't even realize your legs were your own, because they are getting smaller, and you are wearing pants that are now baggy on you, that used to be super tight!!! You're making the necessary changes to get rid of that feeling of being overweight, and it's paying off. And even in the times you don't physically see it, just think of all the changes that are happening inside your body! Keep you chin up, because you are doing AMAZING!

  2. Thank you ! I really appreciate it! I feel a little better today, I'll be alright soon enough. I'm just tired of what I see when I look in the mirror. At least now I'm doing something about it!

  3. I was going to say the same thing as kwrecks. 40 lbs is huge! And when you look at yourself everyday it's hard to see the changes. You're doing great. I'm impressed that you go to the gym after dinner. By that time I'm no where near motivated to go anywhere and would have a hard time getting my butt off that couch. Kudos to you. :-)

    1. :-) Thanks Cathy! I guess it's just a "bad Monica" day! As for working out at night - it's the only time I can do it!! I am NOT a morning person - I know that would never work for me!! It takes will power sometimes - but usually it feels good to get away from the kids and house for a little while!

    2. I don't workout in the morning either. I have tried to get myself up because you're "supposed to" but I can't drag myself out of bed. My best time is as soon as I get home from work. :-)