My face pains. This stupid disorder is so frustrating. I always feel depressed the first few days the pains return. I guess I keep hoping they won't come back - then they do and it's a major let down. I did NOT want to go to the gym tonight. I didn't even want to cook dinner. I was just feeling bummed out. Well, I cooked dinner - it was really good - turkey Italian sausage, cannellini beans, tons of garlic, kale - served over pasta. Even the kids ate it. Well, Colin wouldn't touch the beans -but that is not surprising! After dinner I sat on the couch with Pete while the kids played on the floor. It was nice to snuggle with Pete - we don't really do that very much. After I got the kids in bed, I dragged my sorry butt to the gym and I did my run. It was pretty hard - 5 minutes warm up walk and then 22 minutes straight running. It actually wasn't THAT bad - but the last 7 minutes were BRUTAL. It took all of my mental capabilities to keep myself going. I just kept doing the one more minute thing. I guess that's my best trick.
Well, I just got home a little while ago. I'm really tired. I still can't shake the blues - usually running will clear that up for me. I know part of my bummed out feelings are coming from the fact that I'm still not happy with what I see in the mirror. I know it took a long time to put the weight on (by the way I friggin HATE when people say that to me - I want to bitch slap them) but jeez - almost 40 lbs - you'd think I would see a bigger difference than I do. I just feel so fat and ugly. I wonder if I will always feel like that. Have I been fat for so long that I won't be able to appreciate it when I'm NOT fat anymore?
Maybe I'm just going to take a shower and turn in. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. :-/ Sorry to be such a bummer. I hope I didn't drag anyone down.
Have a good night - thanks for reading! -Monica